Here is a series of sentences used to cope with negative stances, by taking them to a different level. Maybe for some of you they are very basic (all of them are a must in areas like conflict solving, and probably others like sales techniques)… but I think reviewing the basics is always a good thing.
Please notice there is a strong difference between intellectually knowing these “weapons” (which take very little to memorize), and being skillful in real situations. You’ll need some training before you are able to perceive perverted patterns and yet have some operational mind time left to construct your answer. Furthermore: human situations are so varied that many conversations might not fit exactly one of these categories. But many others will, so keep practicing and, in some time, you will notice in yourself a sort of “muscular memory” that allows you to manage many conflicts almost automatically.
For those interested, this list has been extracted from “Everyone can win: responding to conflict constructively”, by Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, an absolutely gorgeous book that, if you have the time, deserves to be studied better than read. The authors are Australian, I think, and I am getting a lot of traffic from Australia lately, among other peculiar signs. Some kind of predestination? I pay a lot of attention to this kind of “coincidences”. Please someone there tell me, are the authors familiar to you? Are they national heroes or something? Here comes the list:
- “You fool!” (and other insults) > “What do you need?” “What can we do to put things right?”
(most of the times, violence hides fear. By ignoring the verbal aggression and acknowledging the other’s needs, you take the situation to a co-operative mood). - “I’m right, you (or them) are wrong” > “In what does your point of view differ from mine (or theirs)?
(”opinion is the most superficial thing a man owns”, Borges once said. A man is not his opinions. Here we separate both, and gain some extra objectivity.) - “I won’t do it” > “What could make you change your mind?”
(we reinforce our point of view, showing flexibility at the same time, and involve the interlocutor in the process by showing respect towards his stance.) - “X… is a failure” > “How could it work?” “What could we do to improve it?”
(put like that, the question underlies: “this is not dead, this is a dynamic collaborative process”.) - “X… is a good for nothing” > “What is (he or she) doing well?”
(…of course, we always focus on the “full half of the bottle”.) - “You (they) should/must…” > “Is that the option you would choose?”
(objectivity required! Ah, the poison of “being right”…!) - “…too much/plenty of/few/very little…” > “Compared to what?”
(absolute terms are an evasive demon that erodes communication.) - “They always…” > “Was there ever a situation in which they did not act like that?”
(and generalization is its Siamese brother.) - “I don’t want to…” > “So, what do you want to happen?”
(negative sentences take the situation to a stalemate. There is no path for action. Underlying: “all right, but be proactive! Come on!”) - “I can’t…” > “Can’t you? Or can’t you find a way to do it? What would happen if you did it?”
(notice the refinement: by asking a question (no offense), we are nevertheless forcing our interlocutor to consider our desired scenario. Half the battle is won.) - “(S)he… will never…” > “How could we find a way to make it happen?”
(again: fighting the excesses of generalization, assuring our partner’s implication, and creating a “horizon of possibility”.) - “X… is impossible” > “But, in case it was possible, what would it take?”
Sorry again if some of you find these premises pretty basic. But I’m sure that they could be useful for others. And, considering the world we are living in, maybe there won’t ever be enough reminders of things like these (How many conversational prompts to counterbalance a missile? A bomb car?)
Are you a good conflict solver? Are you good at defending your points of view? Or better renowned as a mediator? Tell us, what’s your secret? Any golden rule? Do you enjoy the challenge of human interaction?
Related posts:
How to connect with difficult people in round 5 seconds
Hold that curse (but don’t forget it)!
A new way of being positive
One quote and two warnings
The “insult trap”